Do You Love Yourself?

Exploring self-love, acceptance, and forgiveness in a world that told us not to.

It sounds like such a simple question.

Do you love yourself?

But when we asked it in this month’s Rise Above session, the answers told a different story.

At 18, most of us rated our self-love at a 0, 1, 3, or maybe a shaky 4 out of 10.

Now, after years of therapy, coaching, community, and practice, some of us have climbed up to a 6, 7, or even an 8.

And yet, so many still found the question almost impossible to answer.

Why?

Because somewhere along the way, we learned that loving yourself is… bad.

That it’s selfish.

That it’s arrogant.

That it’s totally cringe.

I can still hear the playground sing-song in my head:

“Ooooh, she loves herself!”

Said as an insult, not a compliment. It was almost the worst thing we could be accused of.

From that moment on, many of us learned to hide our glow. We dialled down our pride, softened our confidence, and apologised for our brilliance - all to stay acceptable. Palatable. “Nice.”

We learned to be self-depreciating, to deflect compliments, to put ourselves down.

We learned to seek love from others, not within ourselves.

And that, right there, is where the problem begins.

Because until you love yourself, everything else is built on shaky foundations.

Boundaries. Confidence. Resilience. Intimacy.

They all rest on that same bedrock: love.

The Bedrock of Everything

When I talk about self-love, I don’t mean standing in the mirror chanting affirmations or buying yourself spa days (although, if that’s your thing, crack on).

I’m talking about something quieter and much braver.

It’s the ability to treat yourself with the same care you’d offer a small child, a close friend, or (as one of my teachers says) a baby bunny rabbit. 🐰

Nourish. Protect. Love that part of you that’s small and scared and still learning.

Self-love is the opposite of self-abandonment.

It’s the moment you stop abandoning yourself in relationships, work, and life just to keep the peace.

It’s the moment you start saying:

“I matter too.”

That’s not arrogance.

That’s sanity.

The Interplay: Self-Love, Acceptance & Forgiveness

The longer I’ve worked in psychology and coaching, the more I’ve realised that self-love isn’t a single practice - it’s a whole ecosystem.

It grows out of acceptance and forgiveness.

Without them, love can’t root itself deeply.

Self-acceptance is about being at peace with who you are right now - not waiting until you lose the weight, get the promotion, or stop procrastinating.

It’s saying, “I’m human. I’m doing my best. And that’s absolutely enough for today.”

Self-forgiveness is the bridge back to yourself.

It’s letting go of the shame you’ve been carrying for mistakes, regrets, or all the times you “should have known better.”

It’s recognising that the version of you who made those choices didn’t have the knowledge or safety you have now. And loving and accepting them anyway.

When we hold onto shame, we keep ourselves trapped in the same story.

When we forgive ourselves, we finally free up the energy to write a new one.

And that’s when love - real, unconditional love - has space to grow.

Why Self-Love Feels So Hard

It’s not easy work. We live in a culture that profits from our self-doubt.

If women actually loved themselves, half the beauty industry would collapse by Tuesday.

If we felt “enough” as we are, we’d stop overworking, overachieving, and over-giving to earn approval.

Good Girl Conditioning trains us early to tie our worth to performance:

Be nice.

Be pretty.

Be useful.

Be perfect.

Self-love unpicks all of that. It’s a quiet act of rebellion.

Because when you start loving yourself, you stop needing everyone else’s permission to exist.

You start showing up differently - in meetings, relationships, and even in your own head.

You stop tolerating less than you deserve.

You stop over-explaining your needs.

And you stop apologising for being too much - or not enough.

That’s why this work can feel scary at first. Because every “yes” to yourself might mean saying “no” to someone else.

But that’s the point.

You can’t pour from an empty cup - and you can’t love others fully if you’ve abandoned yourself.

The Practice of Coming Home

So what does self-love actually look like in practice?

Some days, it’s deep.

Other days, it’s deeply mundane.

It’s:

• Logging off when your brain says “enough.”

• Taking a nap.

• Eating something that nourishes you, not punishes you.

• Saying no without writing a 12-line justification.

• Speaking kindly to yourself when you fuck up.

• Choosing rest without guilt.

• Letting joy be enough - without turning it into productivity.

Self-love is a practice, not a personality trait.

You build it like muscle - repetition, gentleness, and time.

And yes, some days it still wobbles.

Even when you’ve been doing this work for years, there are days you’ll find yourself seeking external validation or criticising the mirror reflection.

That’s okay.

Because self-love isn’t a destination, it’s a relationship.

And like any relationship, it takes tending.

My Next Chapter: Learning Through Love

If you’ve been following my work for a while, you’ll know that Good Girl Deprogramming was all about breaking free from the roles we were conditioned to play - The Pleaser, The Perfectionist, The Rescuer, and so on.

That work continues.

But I’ve realised that beneath all of it lies one theme: love.

Love is the antidote to conditioning.

It’s what allows us to rebuild once we’ve stripped away the “shoulds.”

So I’m expanding my knowledge - exploring the world of love, sex, and relationship coaching (eek!).

Because this work doesn’t end with mindset. It’s about embodiment, intimacy, connection - learning how to love and be loved without losing yourself in the process.

And I’m beyond delighted to have chosen a teacher whose whole philosophy begins with love.

Not power.

Not performance.

Not “fixing.”

Just love.

When she said, “The foundation of my approach is love,” something clicked in me.

That’s what all my work has been leading towards - not just helping women dismantle their conditioning, but helping them remember that love isn’t something to earn. It’s something to return to.

Love as Liberation

Loving yourself doesn’t make you self-centred.

I am going to say that again.

LOVING YOURSELF DOESN’T MAKE YOU SELF-CENTRED.

(I am not even sorry for shouting that.)

It makes you centred in yourself.

When you love yourself, you stop chasing approval. You stop over-functioning to feel safe. You stop measuring your worth by how useful you are to other people.

You start living from a place of fullness, not fear.

And that changes everything.

Because love - real, radical self-love - isn’t soft.

It’s revolutionary.

When women love themselves, systems that profit from their self-doubt start to crumble.

Workplaces shift.

Relationships deepen.

Generations heal.

This is why patriarchy is terrified of women who love themselves.

Because we become harder to control.

When we love ourselves, we stop asking for permission to take up space.

We just take it.

And now, I’ve set myself a new goal:

For someone, somewhere, to look at me and say,

“She loves herself.”And for me to take that as the biggest compliment possible.

Because that’s what I want for every woman - to love herself so openly, so unapologetically, that it’s visible.

How to Begin

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I don’t even know where to start,” here’s what I’d offer:

1. Notice your inner voice.

   Start tuning into how you speak to yourself. Would you say those words to a friend? Remember that your inner voice is trying to keep you safe. So learning to love it, accept it and thank it for all the ways it has tried to keep you safe all these years. (For a marvellous deep-dive, the first chapter of Tara Mohr’s book Playing Big is brilliant!)

2. Forgive your past self.

   She did what she needed to survive. You don’t have to keep punishing her for it. Let it go.

3. Practise acceptance.

   You don’t have to love every part of yourself right now. Start with neutrality - “I’m okay as I am today.”

4. Allow pleasure.

   Joy, rest, creativity - they’re not indulgent. They’re medicine.

5. Ask for support.

   Community heals. Find the people who see you clearly and remind you who you are when you forget.

The Heart of It

When we asked “Do you love yourself?” in our Rise Above session, one woman said something that’s stayed with me.

“I don’t know if I love myself yet. But I’m definitely learning not to hate myself.”

That, right there, is it.

That’s the beginning.

Self-love doesn’t have to look like declarations of confidence or grand acts of self-care.

Sometimes it’s just not abandoning yourself in the hard moments.

Sometimes it’s choosing to believe that you are lovable, even when you don’t feel it.

Because you are.

Every part of you - even the polished, the messy, the still-learning parts - is worthy of love.

So I’ll ask you again:

Do you love yourself?

And if not, how might you begin to?

Mx 💜

PS I’d love to know - what does self-love look like for you right now?