Why Nobody Wants You To Change: why people don't like it when you set boundaries

A reader wrote to me last week. She's doing the work, properly doing it. Boundaries created, old roles being questioned, the whole deprogramming process in motion. (Woo hoo!)

And the people around her are not loving it.

I want to say something to her, and to every single one of you standing in that exact spot right now, feeling like you've done something wrong: you haven't. This is the process working. And I have been there. Many times.

Let them

Mel Robbins didn't invent this phrase, but she's certainly made it sell. And underneath the merch, there's something real in it. Let them be uncomfortable. Let them like the old version of you better. Let them have opinions about your boundaries. You don't need their sign-off to keep going.

Because what is actually happening...

You're a crab climbing out of the bucket

You've heard the metaphor. Put one crab in a bucket, it'll climb straight out. Put a dozen crabs in, and the second one starts to get some height, the others reach up and yank it back down. Not out of malice but out of instinct. If I can't get out, you're not getting out either. Bastards.

Nobody planned that. No crab called a meeting to make sure all the crabs stay in the bucket. It's simply what happens when a system built on everyone staying put suddenly has one member trying to leave.

Your friendship group, your family, your team at work, they're a bucket too, in the sense that matters here. Not because anyone's cruel but because systems seek balance, and balance means everyone playing their assigned role. You were the accommodating one, the fixer, the one who never made things awkward. The entire system calibrated around that. So when you stop, everyone else feels the wobble before they can name what caused it. A literal disturbance in the force.

Was going to use a picture of a bucket of live crabs, but I have discovered that I am afraid of real crabs, so here's a cute one instead.

This is where Good Girl conditioning comes in

Because none of this happens by accident. We're raised to be Good Girls, and Good Girls are useful. We anticipate what others need before they ask. We smooth things over, we absorb the friction, we make ourselves easy to be around. And people around us get used to that, fast. Not because they're bad people, but because a reliably accommodating person is a genuinely convenient thing to have in your life. Why wouldn't they get used to it? You made it work.

So when you stop being quite so useful, quite so easy, quite so quick to put yourself last, you're not just changing a habit. You're withdrawing something people had come to rely on without ever having to ask for it. That's the bit that stings for them. And it's also the bit that tells you the deprogramming is working.

This is why it's not really about you

When someone reacts badly to your new boundary, they are very rarely reacting to the boundary itself. They're reacting to what it says about them, about the arrangement, about all the years they didn't push back either. Your growth becomes an uncomfortable mirror.

That's a them problem wearing a you-shaped costume.

Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt when a friend goes cold, or your mum says you've changed like it's an accusation. It will hurt. Let it hurt and keep going anyway.

What actually helps

• Expect the pushback. It's not evidence you're doing it wrong, it's absolutely evidence you're doing it.

• Don't over-explain your boundaries. A sentence, not a defence brief.

• Find your people who are also climbing. Community is the antidote to the bucket.

• Notice who reacts with curiosity versus who reacts with control. Curiosity - "oh, tell me more about that" - is a person who might come with you. Control - the guilt-tripping, the "you've changed," the subtle sabotage - is the bucket talking. And it doesn’t make them a bad person.

• Give the relationship time to recalibrate before you decide it's over. Some people catch up. Some don't. Both are survivable.

You are allowed to keep climbing even when the bucket doesn't clap for you. I am going to say this again you have permission to keep deprogramming even if some people don't want you to.

If you’re ready to climb with people doing this work in community, this is exactly what Rise Above is for. Not a solo climb while everyone underneath grabs at your ankles - a wonderful cohort of women doing it together, so when it gets uncomfortable (it will), you’re not the only one who knows why.

Picture this: it's 9pm, you've just set a boundary that felt terrifying, and instead of sitting with it alone, you post it in the group - and within minutes, three women who've been exactly where you are are telling you that you did the right thing. That happened over and over in Cohort 1. It's the whole point.

Cohort 2 starts exactly one month today - 9th September 2026 - https://www.michelleminnikin.com/rise-above-the-group-experience or book in a call to chat - https://zeeg.me/michelle/30min​

Big love,

Mx