This week I wrote a post on a concept that resonates with many, especially women in heterosexual relationships: weaponised incompetence. This behaviour is when someone, often a man, pretends to be unable to complete a task or acts helpless, particularly in areas traditionally associated with "women’s work", such as household chores and caregiving. By doing this, they shift the responsibility back onto women, reinforcing harmful gender dynamics and unequal divisions of labour. (Also - I didn't make it up it's a real thing).
But when I called this out, I wasn’t prepared for the backlash. I was labelled by some individuals as an angry, man-hating sexist. Let me be very clear: discussing weaponised incompetence is not about attacking men or promoting hate. It’s about shining a light on a behaviour that contributes to inequality and perpetuates the notion that women are naturally better suited to handle the emotional and domestic labour that comes with running a household.
I discuss this concept at length in my book, Good Girl Deprogramming.
During a holiday, I observed a striking example of this behaviour. On an eleven-hour flight to Mexico, I watched as two families with young children settled in for the journey. The mothers sat with the children, armed with snacks, games, and entertainment, while the fathers settled in across the aisle, ready to relax with movies and drinks. Over the course of the flight, the dads did absolutely nothing in the way of parenting – no trips to the loo, no breaking up bickering, no cajoling kids to eat. They settled in with drinks, snacks and movies and had a jolly time. The mums, on the other hand, were ‘on the clock’ the entire time. When we finally arrived, the well-rested dads got off the plane, while the exhausted mums gathered the children.
This scenario is a classic example of weaponised incompetence. The dads didn’t necessarily pretend to be incapable, but their complete lack of involvement left the mums doing all the work. It’s this imbalance that perpetuates the idea that women are the natural caretakers, while men get to ‘help’ when and if they feel like it.
The Mental and Emotional Load
This dynamic is about more than just physical tasks; it’s about the mental and emotional load that women carry. Managing a household isn’t just about doing the dishes or cleaning the bathroom – it’s about keeping track of what needs to be done, remembering important dates, and appointments and ensuring that everyone is taken care of. This mental load often falls on women, and when weaponised incompetence comes into play, it reinforces the idea that women are the natural managers of the household.
This expectation is not only unfair, but it also leads to burnout and resentment. Women shouldn’t have to be the default organisers, nor should they have to provide detailed instructions for basic household tasks. Relationships should be partnerships where both people share the responsibility equally.
Why Calling it Out Isn’t Sexist
So why do some people see this as man-hating or sexist? Unfortunately, when long-held gender norms are challenged, people can become defensive. The idea that women are naturally better at domestic labour is deeply ingrained in our culture, and questioning it can make people uncomfortable. But discomfort is necessary for growth.
And then there’s the anger. Whenever women challenge unfair systems, they are often dismissed as “angry.” But here’s the truth: if you’re not angry about inequality, you’re part of the problem. Anger is a natural response to injustice. It’s a signal that something needs to change. Women have every right to be angry when they are asked to shoulder the bulk of the domestic burden while men claim they “can’t” help unless they’re given a list.
Dismissing women’s concerns as mere anger not only belittles their experiences, but it also derails the conversation from the real issue – the need for fairness. And quit it with the tone policing.
Moving Toward Equality
Equality in relationships isn’t just about sharing physical tasks; it’s about sharing the mental load, too. Men need to step up and take initiative in household management, without waiting for their partner to give them a list of tasks. This isn’t a favour – it’s their responsibility as an equal partner.
Challenging gender norms can be uncomfortable, but it’s necessary for creating relationships that are truly fair and balanced. By calling out weaponised incompetence, we’re not attacking men – we’re advocating for equality, understanding, and respect in all areas of life.
So yes, maybe we are angry – and rightfully so. Because if we’re not, we’re accepting the very inequality we’re fighting to dismantle.
Can we please move away from outdated expectations and work towards partnerships where both parties are equally invested in the mental, emotional, and physical labour that makes up our daily lives?
P.S. Touched a Nerve?
When I showed this blog to my partner I asked him for his opinion, asked if it was too much. And his response? If people are getting upset about me talking about this, then they probably should question their own lives and ask what EXACTLY is triggering about this...
P.P.S. Like this content and want to find out more?
You can get my book, Good Girl Deprogramming from all good (and some terrible) bookshops. It's also now available on Audible.
You can take my quiz to find out how much of a Good Girl you are.
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Oh, and be sure to keep an eye out for The Good Girl Deprogramming Podcast - launching 9th September (exciting!)
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