The Good Girl Starts Young (and So Does the Deprogramming)

On perfectionism, pressure, and protecting the chrysalis

It’s been a while since I released a podcast.

I got busy. And when I came back to the microphone for the first podcast of 2026 (recorded in 2025, because time is a flat circle), I knew exactly what kind of conversation I wanted it to be.

This piece was sparked by the first episode of the Good Girl Deprogramming Podcast I recorded after that break – a conversation with Caroline Bowmer about growing up “good,” teenage girls, and why deprogramming needs to start far earlier than the workplace.

And we talked about where the Good Girl really begins.

Rather devastatingly, it starts young.

The myth of the “good” childhood

When I asked Caroline whether she felt she had to be a good girl growing up, she laughed – not because the question was silly, but because it felt almost unnecessary.

“I don’t know of anyone who wouldn’t feel like they had to be a good girl growing up.”

That’s the thing, isn’t it?

For so many girls, there isn’t a single villain. No overt oppression. No one saying don’t be yourself. Just a quiet, cumulative message absorbed from family, school, culture, praise, silence, reward, and expectation.

Be good.

Be easy.

Be impressive, but not arrogant.

Be perfect, but effortless.

Caroline named it clearly:

“I think it was definitely the perfection thing that always hits it for me.”

And perfection is such a clever trap, because it feels virtuous. It looks like ambition. It gets rewarded – at first. Until it becomes the voice that says not quite good enough even when you’ve done everything right. Because perfection is completely unattainable!

Teenagers are not broken – they are becoming

One of the most powerful moments in our conversation came when Caroline shared the metaphor she uses to understand adolescence. I adore how she describes it.

“I always think of teenagers like they’re in a chrysalis.”

Not a holding pen.

Not a problem phase.

Not something to ‘get through’.

A chrysalis.

“Everything breaks down. It turns to goo.”

And anyone who remembers being a teenager knows that’s exactly what it feels like.

Confusing. Uncomfortable. Dark at times. Tender. Vulnerable.

Here’s the part that really matters:

“If we put lots of pressure on that chrysalis… they come out with a bit of a wing missing.”

Pressure doesn’t motivate transformation. It distorts it.

But neither does neglect.

“If we don’t hold them up enough, if we don’t support it, then they don’t fully form in the way they want.”

That’s the tension so many parents and carers feel but don’t have language for. How do you support without controlling? Care without crushing? Guide without gripping?

There’s no perfect answer. But there is a better question:

Are we protecting the chrysalis – or squeezing the life out of it?

School pressure, fear of failure, and the performance trap

We talked a lot about school. Exams. Mocks. The relentless drumbeat of this is the most important year of your life aimed at children whose brains are, quite literally, mid-rewire.

Caroline named something I see constantly in my work with adults:

“Often what looks like not trying is actually a fear of failure.”

If I don’t try, I can’t fail.

If I don’t care, I can’t be hurt.

If I don’t want, I can’t be disappointed.

This is not laziness.

It’s self-protection.

And it’s where Good Girl Conditioning mutates. From try hard to don’t try at all. From people-pleasing to disengagement. From perfectionism to paralysis.

As adults, we often respond by tightening the screws. More pressure. More reminders. More monitoring.

But as we said on the podcast:

“You can’t motivate somebody else. It’s an internal job.”

Safety comes first. Relationship comes first. Motivation follows.

Why we wrote the books (and why there are two)

This is exactly why we didn’t write just a book for girls.

We wrote Good Girl Deprogramming – Girl’s Edition and the Caregiver Guide.

Because girls do not grow up in a vacuum.

They need language, reassurance, and tools – yes.

But they also need the adults around them to understand what healthy growth actually looks like.

Caroline put it beautifully:

“If they’re becoming less of a good girl, that’s often a positive thing.”

A girl who is saying no.

A girl who is pushing back.

A girl who is questioning the rules.

She is not going off the rails.

She is coming into herself.

And without support, that moment often gets shut down – accidentally, lovingly, unconsciously – by adults who were never taught this either.

Caroline and me signing books!

The long view

I’ve spent years working with women in their 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s.

Brilliant women. Capable women. Exhausted women.

And when I ask them a simple question – What do you want? – so many of them answer honestly:

“I don’t know.”

That’s not a personal failure.

That’s the long tail of early conditioning.

So if we can interrupt this younger – not by fixing girls, but by trusting them – the deprogramming later becomes gentler. Less painful. Less urgent.

The Good Girl starts young.

And so does the liberation.

A question to sit with

What would have changed if someone had told you, at 12:

You are not here to be good.

You are here to become.

And what would it look like – this week – to protect the chrysalis instead of squeezing it?

If you’d rather listen than read, this reflection came from a longer conversation on the Good Girl Deprogramming Podcast, where Caroline and I explore these ideas in depth.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_gfDeV7_Pw

Good Girl Deprogramming – Girl’s Edition and the Caregiver Guide are released on 16 January 2026.

The book is no longer just an idea or a manuscript – it’s already making its way into the real world, into hands, conversations, and moments where something quietly changes.

Signed pre-orders are available directly from Caroline and me via my website.

Big love,

Mx