The Good Girl at Christmas

She’s Not Who You Are, She’s Who You’ve Been Told to Be

When I was writing Good Girl Deprogramming, I vividly remember sitting in a restaurant just before the Christmas break, enjoying lunch with my partner and his mum.

Three middle-aged men were seated nearby, and their conversation - which I can only describe as verbal manspreading - filled the room. Loud, attention-hogging, and impossible to ignore.

One gem stood out:

“Oh Jill, she’s very well organised. All I have to do is buy her a present, and she takes care of everything else!”

I had to put my cutlery down. The rage bubbled up instantly.

It wasn’t just the tone-deaf one-upmanship or the entitlement dripping from his voice. It was the realisation that Jill had become yet another anonymous woman expected to perform one of the most intense unpaid roles in our culture - the Christmas Elf - without question, credit, or even choice.

So, of course, this moment found its way into my book, almost word-for-word. I didn’t even need to consult my notes - it was seared into my brain. I was furious.

Christmas: The Annual Good Girl Performance Review

This time of year can be magical, but it can also be a magnifying glass for our conditioning.

December is when Good Girl Conditioning goes into overdrive. The pressure ramps up to:

• Host the perfect Christmas

• Buy thoughtful gifts (while keeping to a strict budget)

• Remember everyone’s dietary requirements

• Keep the peace at family gatherings

• Make it all look effortless

Sound familiar?

We’re not born playing these roles, we’re taught to. Conditioned over the years. And every December, we unconsciously audition for the part again.

But.

These roles aren’t who we are. They’re just that - roles.

Performed, rewarded, and often resented.

The 10 Roles of the Good Girl (Which One Do You Play at Christmas?)

I’ve spent the last few years unpacking ten specific roles that women are trained to play to stay acceptable, agreeable, and safe. These roles aren’t part of our DNA; they’re learned behaviours, shaped by social norms, family dynamics, media, school, and work cultures.

And they don’t take time off for the holidays.

In fact, Christmas is the perfect storm - the season where Good Girl roles ramp up. Between hosting, gifting, cooking, managing other people’s emotions, and pretending it’s all joyful, these roles become deeply visible (and often painfully invisible).

Over the next week, I’ll be exploring each of the 10 roles in detail, but here’s a taste of how they show up at Christmas:

• The Pleaser: saying yes to everything, baking for the school fair, and overextending to make sure no one feels left out.

• The Perfectionist: obsessing over the “perfect” tree, hand-tying bows, rewriting gift tags because her handwriting wasn’t neat enough.

• The Rescuer: fixing family logistics, stepping in unasked, solving everyone else’s problems before they even notice there’s a problem.

• The Peacemaker: absorbing tension, smoothing over arguments, and carrying the emotional load of keeping the peace.

• The Performer: smiling through burnout, wearing the festive jumper, and pretending everything’s fine even when it really isn’t.

• The Caregiver: making sure everyone is fed, supported, included, soothed, even if no one asks how she is.

• The Chameleon: shape-shifting to fit whatever version of herself keeps things smooth and “nice”, even at her own expense.

• The Rule-Follower: feeling the pressure to follow every tradition, get everything “right”, and spiralling when it doesn’t go to plan.

• The Invisible One: doing everything in the background, never acknowledged, never complaining - and never really seen.

• The Over-Responsible One: carrying the entire mental load: gifts, food, travel, schedules, calendars, and quietly making it all happen.

If any of those made your eye twitch or your stomach clench - that’s not a coincidence.

These roles aren’t who you are. They’re who you’ve been conditioned to be.

And it’s time we talked about it.

Want to find out which Good Girl roles you play (especially at Christmas)?

I’ve created a free quiz to help you uncover the roles that might be running the show, often without you realising.

Take the quiz here and start noticing which ones show up when the pressure’s on.

You Don’t Need to “Do It All”

To anyone reading this who’s feeling the December dread building: you are not alone. And you are not broken.

If you don’t want to be the Christmas Elf this year, you don’t have to be.

Start small.

Say no.

Ask for help.

Let things be good enough instead of perfect. Let someone else wrap the bloody presents.

And if you do want to go all-out this year, then let it be your choice, not your obligation.

Deprogramming Starts with Awareness

I wrote Good Girl Deprogramming because I needed to understand why I, like so many other women, felt so overwhelmed, resentful, and exhausted, especially during times like Christmas.

It’s not about blaming individuals. It’s about making the invisible visible, so we can stop unconsciously performing roles that don’t serve us.

We need to stop expecting women to be the magic behind Christmas while everyone else simply shows up and enjoys it.

Can we give Jill a break ❤️?

Mx